SURRENDER

I heard a man say you experience surrender when you no longer need to ask the question, how?

He maintains there is nothing more or less than what is happening now.

Sadness comes. Thoughts enter and trigger the pain. Joy comes. Experience triggers emotion.

Presence is always available. Accessing it seems to be a choice. Sliding away with thoughts feels like no choice.

Confusion, doubt and reorientation, the self awakens again, bringing peace.

The inner and outer experiences shake hands.

I have made friends with the shadow, merging the dark with the light.

I seem to be able to identify the ego, that trickster who loves to trigger suffering.

The rest is what I am on the A train at 8:49 in the morning.

Now it's 8:50, clock time.

The man also insists time is an illusion on the inner. On the outer I'm heading to work.

It seems I don't need to accomplish anything more as each moment is an ending and beginning.

Motivation ceases and life takes its place.  That is, until the ego re-emerges and the pattern circles back around.

Fatherhood, creativity, partnership, friendships, cooking cleaning paying bills. This is my relationship with life.

There is a small ache in the bottom of my spine as I stand here on the train. It's okay.

I feel my thighs tingle a little with the weight of my upper body. It's okay.

My head is lighter than usual as I am spared from thought for at least this moment.

My face is relaxed. The inner body calm.

I taste the coffee from earlier. I notice my saliva is sticky and then my throat begins to tighten up.

A thought is rolling in...

My chest tightens a bit.

42nd Street. Changing trains. The distraction brings me back around again.

In each circle there is surrender. 

The fact that it's a circle and not a line is a most interesting revelation.